SARAH HOWDEN
showden@edinburghnews.com)
HOW people love self-help books. Why should we waste precious time mulling over where our lives are going wrong when the golden answers are to be found within a glossy cover in the popular psychology section of our nearest bookstore?
The latest example to hit the bookshelves is Lisa Helmanis' charm-offensive How To Be An Irresistible Woman. Simply follow the rules, she says, and "you will have the techniques and skills to become irresistibly attractive and super confident".
But the only thing to do with such a boast is to put it to the test.
BODY TALK
According to Helmanis, non-verbal communication makes up 93 per cent of the messages we send out, so to be irresistible I needed to work my body.
Mirroring was first up. It's making other people feel good about themselves which, in turn, makes them warm to you. So, if someone crosses their legs, subtly do the same; if they lean their hands on their chin, follow suit. Repeating phrases or acknowledging feelings is another sure-fire winner.
I decided to practice on my unsuspecting friend Siobhan. With some bottles of wine to get through and gossip to swap we got comfy on the sofa. As she talked, I attempted to mirror her body language.
I have to admit, I got good results. When she leant forward to emphasise a point, I learnt forward too. When she voiced her frustrations at a recent situation, I mirrored her.
Siobhan opened up more, her relaxation ensured I got more details from her stories. And at the end, she said: "Wow, it was really, really good to see you. Let's hook up next week." Result.
Now, eye contact is another key facet of body language. Nobody likes the person who's constantly looking over your shoulder. But striking a balance is difficult. . .
When trying to return a pair of shoes in Jenners - a couple of days out with the returns policy - I thought some "irresistible" eye contact would suffice. I held the shop assistant's gazeand stared intently into her eyes.
She looked frightened and uncomfortable. And I felt slightly psychotic. I got my refund in record-breaking time.
Touch is last. Now, the book warns there is a fine line between appearing warm and seeming needy or like the office pervert. It must be respectful and appropriate, and only directed at people who like it.
INSIDE THE MALE MIND
According to the book, men fall into one of three types, and they relate to the world through one of three senses: sound, visual or feelings. So if us women use their way of relating to relate to them, they'll feel empathised and understood.
It also suggests to take an interest in what he's doing. So I had a "friend" round for dinner on Friday. Before the evening even began, I decided to get with my "friend's" visual senses. He responds to visual stimuli so dress sexily, it claims. Done. Look groomed, I'm told. Nailed it.
I then cooked him his favourite kind of food, bought his favourite wine and beers, and did my homework on his beloved football team.
He was impressed. The evening went well. I wouldn't say he reciprocated by announcing his undying love for me, but he didn't run screaming from the flat either.
Then, I slipped into conversation how I thought Hibs had a good chance of winning the SPL and I got The Look. "What are you doing?" he quizzed suspiciously, his eyes narrowed. "You don't really like football." Eh, yes I do. "Okay, who's the goalie?" Damn.
By the end of the evening, he seemed happy enough. I, on the other hand, felt like some sad, desperate lap dog which is never cool.
THE CHARM OFFENSIVE
The book tells you to give other people some "lovin'" and you'll get plenty in return.
Easy. My friend Charlotte, who lives in Manchester got a Miss You card in the post, while Faye got a text message thanking her for a good weekend, and Lindsay got an e-mail thanking her for dinner. Charlotte promptly rang me to thank me for such a kind gesture, Faye was appreciative of the text and gushed much the same back. And Lindsay offered to cook for me again.
But then I spent the day searching for the perfect card for my "friend" wishing him good luck in his Fire Service exams . . . thoughtful, funny and poignant, I thought. The response? "Er, thanks?" Mmm, maybe the charm offensive should be restricted to girls.
THE HARD STUFF
I've always been told it's not what you say but the way you say it. However, for the Irresistible Woman, it's about WHEN you say it. So if he's just walked in from work don't be poised behind the door ready for a verbal assault. The key is to give him time to unwind. Don't call him at work to talk instead ask him if he can make time to talk.
I tell my dad I would like a chat. His diabetes is worrying me, as is his increasing blood pressure and high cholesterol. His eyes glaze over and I'm told abruptly: "I'm not in the mood." Maybe later, after the football then? "Yes," he hisses.
Ninety minutes later I try again, asking him if he had time to talk. This time he did. And so I talked - making my point succinctly and expressing my feelings quickly. And you know what? He rolled his eyes and yawned.
VERDICT
So am I now an irresistible woman? Call me modest, but I wouldn't say I am now oozing charm nor could I effortlessly attract everyone and anyone I meet.
However, I do have some new-found skills in communication, confidence and self-projection which, with practice, could give me more poise and style. And maybe - just maybe - with some extra homework and tuition I could master the techniques "to become irresistibly attractive and super confident". And even know who the Hibs goalie is.
• How To Be An Irresistible Woman by Lisa Helmanis is published by Carlto and available from John Lewis Edinburgh, priced, £9.99
Last updated: 08-Aug-06 13:36 BST |
